Are You Bitter?
(Rob McLeod)
A friend of mine once remarked that bitterness is like carbon monoxide poisoning—it is odorless and tasteless, but deadly.
“It is impossible that no offenses should come,” Jesus said. (Luke 17:1) Situations in life may have left you terribly hurt and disappointed. You may have unfairly experienced neglect, physical or sexual abuse, mistreatment from loved ones, a marriage breakup or other strained relationships. Perhaps job failures, financial struggles or poor health have left you severely disenchanted with life. There is really a myriad number of life circumstances that can leave us reeling. There is no doubt that people can heap huge amounts of pain on others and it is close to certain that, if you have lived long enough, you have already experienced something that has caused you tremendous grief.
But what next? Left undealt with, difficult circumstances can leave one angry and bitter. The slow drip combination of time and unresolved heartaches can eat at us like a cancer. There may have been many occasions where you have angrily asked the Lord, “Why did you let ‘this’ happen to me?” At such junctures, we have great opportunity for bitterness to grow, or conversely, opportunity for a proper resolution that produces meaningful peace.
Scripture clearly tells us that for proper peace in our inner being we must forgive those who have wronged us. Millions of people today experience severe anger, depression, addiction or other physically poor health because they are unable or unwilling to address the situations that are eating away at them inside. Many hurting people do not know that there is a lasting solution for their pain. And it is not personal revenge. I have met people who will not even utter the name of the person who has hurt them. I have met others who have threatened (even decades later) to physically harm former loved ones that have mistreated them. The pain is very real and the anger seemingly so justifiable, so let me now say this before going any further: forgiving our offender does not imply that their actions or words were appropriate, or that they should go unpunished, or that reconciliation is yet anywhere near possible. Rather, forgiveness is the means for us to receive the healing and peace which we are truly longing for. Everyone wants peace in their heart and mind. That is why we go to so such great lengths to dull or mask the pain. Perhaps we dull the pain with substances. Or by isolating ourselves from all meaningful relationships. Or by becoming rabidly angry at innocent people. Perhaps our life in the Word and fellowship with other believers has slowly become dry. These are all signs that we need the proper medicine. Ultimately the proper medicine is Jesus. It is He who, when crucified unjustly on the cross, uttered the words “Father, forgive them, for they do not know [understand] what they do.” (Luke 23:34)
In Matthew 18:21-35 we read some extensive teaching from Jesus concerning forgiveness. Peter, one of Jesus’ followers, had asked “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Peter likely thought he would be quite the kind guy if he would forgive offenses up to seven times. Jesus responded “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” This seems like an impossible standard. Jesus is basically saying that we always need to forgive, that there should be no limitations. He then launches into a parable to illustrate His point that forgiveness should always be offered—not primarily for the sake of the perpetrator, but rather for ourselves!
In the parable we read about a servant who owed a king an enormous amount of money. It was impossible for the man to pay off the debts at this stage in his life. The king then ordered that the man’s wife, children and all of his possessions be sold and payment made. This order caused the indebted man to beg and implore the king for mercy. The king relented and released him of the entire debt. The reader’s initial impression would be that the forgiven servant would possess a new-found joy and a forgiving heart towards others. Sadly, this was not the case. This same servant, who had been forgiven so much, refused to forgive one of his fellow servants a much smaller amount. When the king heard about this he was quite displeased and told the servant, “’You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’ And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him.” Jesus then concluded: “So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.”
A crucial implication of Jesus’ teaching is that we are ‘tortured’ when we refuse to forgive. Many people who have forgiven their attacker(s) testify to the incredible peace they received afterwards from the Lord. I believe that forgiveness is much more readily offered when we truly realize our own offenses towards our Creator and Saviour. There is no one who naturally seeks God, and that includes me. Indeed, “while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8) When I begin to see how my heart has been so against the Lord at times and how I have failed to love my neighbour as myself in countless situations I then begin to see myself as the man who owed the king such a huge sum. The king (God) offers to forgive me when I acknowledge my need and my inability to pay off my sin debt. But if I offer no forgiveness to my trespasser I am in turn going to be tormented much like the servant who refused to forgive his fellow servant. Rather than being delivered to a literal prison, bitterness and unforgiveness will imprison my mind. This is a true form of torture. But the Lord is gracious and He offers us a lasting solution. Forgive others just like we have been forgiven.
The grace to forgive a guilty party is not conjured up within ourselves. We do not have the innate capacity to love our enemies. Forgiveness towards others is a gift from the Lord Himself and a complete byproduct of His life within us as believers. The Scripture says that one day the Lord will correctly deal with all wrongs. We must leave that part to Him and His sovereign wisdom and justice.
Romans 12:19 “Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord.”
